How My Prayer Mat Healed my Trauma

CW: neglect, emotional & psychological abuse

First off, I want to start by saying that the title is very misleading because I am still dealing with my trauma and I will keep dealing with it for the rest of my life. However, nurturing my relationship with Allah SWT helped me heal in a lot of ways.

The Trauma

I am going to begin by discussing my recent interactions with my father so you get the picture of the trauma. Tonight, about 30 minutes ago, he called me for the first time in a few months and after the obligatory “how are you, how are your siblings, and what’s your gpa,” he asked me when I am taking the MCAT. When I said I didn’t know yet, he insisted on my taking it soon. It’s the audacity to think that he has any weight on my decisions after 22 years of neglect and abuse. When he lived with me, he never asked about how school was going or if I needed anything and never even visited my school campus (only 40 minutes from my home) over the 4 years that I lived there. Now that I have graduated and am getting ready to apply to medical school, he is suddenly invested in my academic life. He’s still not interested in supporting me and he makes sure to make that known.

His inquiry around the statistics of my academics is very self serving. I recall a conversation he had with one of his friends at a dinner one day where he said, laughing half way through his statement, “you must be relieved that your son is going to be a nurse, you’re going to get your checks and be set for life.” With this incident and his sudden interest in my academics, I know that he is only asking so that he can get his check.

After inquiring about my MCAT date and probing me several times when I said I did not have a date in mind, the next question he asks me is “did you lose any weight yet.” I am plus size. I have tried to lose weight for the past decade or so but I have a medical condition that makes it incredibly hard to lose weight. I was able to have some success in the past year but have gained some of it back during isolation (which I am still taking very seriously so I don’t get outdoors to exercise much). Because their comments about my weight were incredibly insensitive, I have been very transparent about my insecurity with my family. With all of this in mind, I am curious as to why he thought it was ok to ask me that question. When I responded with “what kind of question is that? Why would you ask me that,” he responded with the usual: “I’m your father. Your father can’t ask you something as simple as that.”

When I hung up the call, I did wallow in self pity and shed a few tears. I also couldn’t pray because it’s a particular week of the month (if you know, you know). So, I decided to write this as a form of self therapy but also to help others who are going through similar things.

I lived in Pakistan with my mother, sister, and brother for the first 8 years of my life. We were neglected by my father, who lived in the U.S. He neglected us financially but more importantly, emotionally. He barely visited us and didn’t see my brother until he was a few years old. I used to call him “Uncle” when he visited because I had no concept of having a father.

Although I was neglected, my mom was the one who suffered the most. Her in laws arranged my father’s marriage with her and then treated her like a nurse and maid for my sick grandparents. All my cousins would steal all our toys, clothes, and did not allow me or my siblings to have a childhood. My mom tells me about how I would crawl around on a mattress she had set on the floor all day and she could only check on me every couple of hours. At family gatherings with my dad’s extended family, we were treated like second class citizens and this was true until recently, when we stopped interacting with them.

I remember a few years back, one of my dad’s brother’s wife visited us and was surprised that I could speak English. I immigrated to this country when I was 8 and am now 22. I learned how to speak English fluently within a year and she was surprised to know that I spoke it after about a decade living here? Imagine her shock when finding out that I was attending a prestigious academic institution, more prestigious than anything any of sons had attended. She obviously thought very lowly of me and my family.

In another instance, one of my cousins from my dad’s side, who was attending graduate school in the area was visiting us and as my family had gone shopping earlier that day and snagged some great deals, we were doing a show and tell. When I showed him the robe I got (for a very great deal), he made a comment saying something along the lines of “you really think you’re American right?” That comment has stuck with me because it showed once again, what they think of us.

At the same time, my dad’s brothers (on a phone call where they were threatening my mother) cussed at me and my sister and then apologized and said they didn’t think that it was us because we had responded in Urdu. So they think we don’t speak English and we are really Pakistani but we don’t speak Urdu and we are trying to be too American. For the record, my mother has always valued cultural preservation and only allowed us to speak with her in Urdu. I am so grateful for this because I also value my culture.

It was clear that they had some insecurities about their culture and were projecting that on us and for that, I will pray for them. I know what I am and I am confident in my identity. My cousin (dad’s niece) also lived with us for 3 years without her parents contributing anything financially (even though we were living in poverty) but because my mother cared about my father and his wishes, she allowed it.

When we moved to the States, the neglect started becoming clearer. My father would give my mother a $20 weekly allowance for all of our needs when my mother wasn’t working. She wasn’t working because it was taboo for Pakistani women to work in Pakistan (at the time). However, when we were going hungry, my mom realized she had to work. As she started to work more, my dad decided to work less until he completely retired to the couch and became unemployed for 5+ years. He blamed his back surgery for his unemployment but it was clear that he was capable of working when he had me apply to jobs for him so he could buy a ticket to Pakistan to attend his niece’s wedding. He was working long shifts and “got into a fight with the supervisor” right when he had enough money to buy the ticket.

While he was staying home, he was receiving social security benefits but still contributed nothing financially to our home. In fact, when we would go to Dunkin Donuts or McDonalds, he would make me pay and if he ever paid for a coffee or two, he would made a big deal out of it.

We knew that he was purposefully neglecting us financially but we would have been okay with all of it if he loved us and cared about us but it was made clear to us time and time again, that he didn’t. In fact, he verbally told us several times that he didn’t.

He saw me as a paycheck and as an object.

There were several times when I would walk by him in the living room, as young as 13, and I would notice him staring at my body. It happened so often that my sister noticed it and approached me about it. I felt so violated and felt incredibly uncomfortable being anywhere alone with him. I also was just getting comfortable with my curvy body and this made me feel extremely sexualized. It was another way he took away my childhood. This persisted for years.

There were so many signs of him prioritizing his siblings (particularly his sisters) over his family and once again, emotionally and financially neglecting us. For instance, he stole money from my mom to send to his sister when we live in publicly subsidized housing, get food stamps, and are all college-attending age. He also did things like not calling my mother (she was in Pakistan with her father for his last days) to comfort her when her father died and never ask my brother or I if I ever needed anything in college.

The final thing that he did that showed us that he prioritized his siblings and their children over his wife and children was trying to force me into a marriage with my cousin, because of the will of his family. First of all, I was never informed about this until much later or I would have ended it. My father did not even try to contact me because it did not matter what I would want.

He contacted my mother to ask her because he knew that she had a huge influence on me, considering that she was the only parent that did not neglect me. My mother obviously said “absolutely not,” knowing that my character, matureness, intelligence, and values (religious and feminist) would not align well with my cousin’s. I had also made it clear to her that I had no interest in marrying ANY of my cousins when I had received several marriage proposals from cousins before this incident. My cousin was immature, manipulative, misogynistic, not religious (very valuable to me and my mother), and had no means to support me. I am going to be a doctor and he is training to be a construction worker in Pakistan. Don’t mistake our pragmatism for classism. Besides, I think every woman and man reserves the right to want their equal and he is not my equal, in any regard. I know my worth and my mother knows my worth. In addition, it is clear that he only wanted to marry me for the citizenship and I have no interest in being someone’s visa.

When he brought up the conversation several times and my mother said no, he started threatening divorce. He actually said that he divorced her 3 times, which is the Islamic basis for a divorce. My mom asked several scholars and even his family agreed that there was divorce. His sister called my mother and asked my mother to renew her nikaah (religious marriage) since they were considered Islamically divorced. He completely denied their divorce.

When he realized that she was not going to budge, he started escalating his threats. He said that he was going to kill himself and send my mother to jail. He started threatening people in my mom’s support system. He started threatening the lives of family members. He started threatening kidnapping. I was not home at the time but when this was happening, my mother and brother were begging him to stay when he would threaten to leave the home. Our family friends were begging him to stay. There were several instances where he left the house saying he was leaving and we had to beg him to come back. Then, one day, he told my siblings (before they had school and work) that he was going to kill himself at work. They obviously followed him and called the authorities because they were scared that they would not get there on time. When my mother, a family friend, my brother, sister, and the authorities showed up, he was sitting there, talking to his sister on the phone and giggling. He also called me (who did not know all the details of what was happening at home) right before my final exams to tell me he was going to kill himself.

The authorities then took him a mental hospital for a few days and he denied saying that he was going to kill himself. I was home by the time he came back and he threatened to kill himself several times in front of me. He threatened my mother so much that she could be in a room or in the home alone with him. She could not be in the kitchen alone with him because she thought that he would pick a knife and stab her at any point. This was my mother was diagnosed with anxiety and started having panic attacks. She later found out that my father actually had attempted to kidnap one of our family friend’s family members in Pakistan, although his attempts were unsuccessful.

We were all afraid for our lives and in our small apartment was becoming more and more suffocating. Then, my father called his brothers (the one who were responsible for the attempted kidnapping in Pakistan) to our home and as soon as we found out, my mom, brother, sister, and I knew we had to get out of there or our lives could be at risk. We stayed at another location until they left. When my mom explained everything to them over the phone, they did not sympathize with her at all and instead, they gaslighted her and told her that the police would take us away from her. This again shows that they think we are stupid. My brother and I were both over 18 and my younger sister was going to be 18 in a few months. She would be allowed to choose anyways and she would obviously choose my mother.

With my mother’s panic attacks, insomnia (because she was afraid he would get her in her sleep), my father’s continued threats, and my parents’ Islamic divorce making their living together a grave sin, we all decided to approach my father about getting an apartment. We figured it would be easier for one person to move rather than a whole family, especially because the rest of us contributed to finances. However, the problem was never financial. We offered to find him an apartment near us AND pay the rent (even though that would have put a huge financial strain on our family, which was already living in poverty). He said he wouldn’t do it and wanted everything to return to normal.

How could it ever be normal when none of could be left in the same room as him? We had begged him and begged him to stay but because of his constant threats, none of us could focus on school or anything. He made it so hard for us to be alive.

After asking him many times about alternatives and even looking for apartments for my family to move out to (no success with anything in our price range), we decided that if he was not going to change his behavior despite our constant begging him to stop, we had to get him out of our lives. That is when we gathered our courage and filed a restraining order against him. We were successful and as a result, he had to move out to his relatives’ home. He violated this restraining order (many times) and admitted to doing so in court at the restraining order renewal.

Before he left, he made every attempt to leave us completely alone and even more impoverished. He tried to take away our housing, electricity, gas, internet, and hot water. He took our car. The car was under his name (because he had ruined my mother’s credit by using her credit cards) but my mother paid for every single penny. My brother was using the car to get to work at the time and my dad had the audacity to sell it back to my brother.

When he stayed at his relatives’ home and his friends’ homes, he told everyone wild lies about us. I have to think this is a defense mechanism for his own mistakes because that is better to think that he hates us, even though he has repeatedly demonstrated that to us. I can’t lie though, some of these lies were entertaining. He told people that my sensitive, teddy bear of a brother beat up my father. At this point, nothing my dad did could surprise me. What surprised me was that some people believed him. It was only his family though. They believed him to the point where one of his nephews sent my brother threats to beat him physically.

After staying here and gathering his belongings, he left to Pakistan. Now, he lives there on his fat social security allowance (which converts to a very large sum in rupees) and maids to do all his work for him. Not that it was that different than here because he also contributed nothing to us financially here and we were all his maids, only for him to threaten us.

Now, he calls me once every few months, asks me intrusive questions about my weight and academics, and when I can’t find the strength to respond, he says things like “I’m your father, I can’t even ask you that?” It takes so much strength to even answer his call and I have to do breathing exercises afterwards to calm myself down.

Dealing With Trauma With Prayer

When you are dealing with trauma from abuse with prayer, I think it is important to first understand the root of your trauma. My trauma is not from my parent’s separation. My mom deserved better and I was someone who encouraged her to pursue a restraining order. I absolutely support her decision. My trauma came from my father sexualizing me my whole life, neglecting my every need, trying to force me into a marriage because his family wanted this marriage, making my life a living hell with his threats, and finally, trying to take away my basic needs (food, shelter, hot water, etc.).

Once you identify the root of your trauma, it is much easier to make prayer for you to recover from it. When you make due, mention these things over and over again and just acknowledging them and knowing that Allah SWT was listening to me made a difference to me.

Another step I took that that allowed me to take a step closer to Islam and take control of my sexuality (which was always taken from me) was start wearing hijab. I think the word empowered is over used by white feminists but there is no other way to describe it. The hijab empowered to take control of my deep and my sexuality.

As I have becoming closer to the deen, I have also realized the importance of our interactions with others in Islam. This is demonstrated by the fact that if you hurt someone emotionally or mentally, only they have the ability to forgive you. We have a choice whether to forgive someone or not and although we are encouraged to forgive, this is conditional. We are only urged to forgive someone if they apologize (no signs of that) and show that they will never commit that mistake again (no signs of that). Nevertheless, I am working towards forgiveness (but not forgetting) my dad with teen. Everyday, I pray to Allah SWT to soften my heart and make it softer than it is. However, the more I pray, the more I realize that I can’t forgive until I have dealt with the trauma from the neglect and abuse.

It is also important to understand that while forgiveness is encouraged, it is completely permissible to abandon abusive parents in Islam. Prophet Abraham is a great example of this. There are also several verses in the Quran saying that in certain circumstances, it is ok to disobey your parents. So, if you feel like you can get to forgiveness, then go on that journey but if you don’t, then you don’t have to. All you have to do is kind to yourself and make sure that your needs are being met.

I want to end this section by saying that while forming and nurturing a relationship with Allah SWT has been really therapeutic for me, it might not be enough for everyone. If you feel like you need to see a professional, please do not hesitate to do so.

With my last few words, I want to take a moment to give some tips for how friends/family of someone who was abused can support them:

1. When they open up to you, do not try to relate. Do not try to compare your family situation. Just listen to them. That is all they want.
2. Do not ever try to steer them towards forgiveness or to guilt them to it. It is permissible not to forgive and even abandon abusive parents in Islam. Prophet Abraham is a great example of this.
3. Meet them where they are. If you notice your friend is acting differently, it is because traumatic events like this can change people and so, they are different. Do not ask them why they are different. Instead, you can ask them if there is anything that they want to talk about.
4. Give them time and space. If they are not ready to open up to you, do not take it personally. Everyone processes trauma at their own pace and it is a lifelong process. They also might not have the terminology to discuss these things with you.

You are not alone and you are enough.